If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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