I met the friendliest cop last night
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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