im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize