there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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