I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Who died my cat blue again?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
