she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
