Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize