I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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