Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
