she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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