He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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