kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
