just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
