I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
