you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
