I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just invented taco cereal.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
