So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
