Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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