there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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