remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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