my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
