somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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