my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
