Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
