Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
