i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
