He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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