Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
