god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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