My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
