bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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