I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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