Im at strip club and am horny
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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