my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
