How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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