Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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