I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
