two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
