Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
