Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
