Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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