I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
