so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
