I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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