I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
