4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
