I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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