So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
