Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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