Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
