did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
