Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
