my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
