My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
