Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
