tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
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You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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