Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
