Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
