Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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