It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
